News:
You don't have to be from Leicester to join us, we welcome anyone from all corners :)
At the start of 2020, very few people had even heard of 'David Waite' but due to the world's pandemic, this Leicester boy, inventor and entrepreneur, has now become a household name!
It all started off with a simple idea to design a cost effective and efficient face mask but in true David W form, it all went terribly wrong and before he knew it David was a fugitive of the law.
In order to share David's fun and japes, most of the diary entries posted on Leicester, Born and Raised have been collated so they can be enjoyed again and again, so, sit back and revisit:
The Life and Times of David W - 2020 onwards!
31 March
Day 10, Managed to calm the wife by letting her have the TV zappers although it was a close thing. Have now hidden all the kitchen knives and any other sharp objects I could find. Have triple locked my shed to prevent her getting to dangerous implements such as Garden forks and tree saws. Maybe it was not a good idea to mention that she was starting to sound like her mother.
1 April
Day 11, After spending all morning checking my central heating system and finding no faults I realised that the artic coldness was coming from my missus who was giving me the cold shoulder due to my comment yesterday about her sounding like her mother. Geez, some women sure can hold a grudge. Seems I either have to grovel for the rest of the day (week ?) or go and find my thermal long john's. I think I will try the long john's first as its far less risky.
2 April
Day 12, Just as I began to think things were improving on the domestic front there was a sudden reversal. All I did was write my name on one of our 2 packs of 6 bog rolls and her name on the other. (seems fair to me) When her who its wise to obey at all times (aka the missus ) asked why, I was stupid enough to tell her that she used twice as much as I do so when she runs out she wont be able to nick mine. I do hope the local chippy is open tonight otherwise it will be a cheese sarnie for dinner for me.
3 April
Day 13. Well first some success on the home front, my missus loves her telly and gets all gloomy if for some reason its not working. ( I could easily live without a Telly ) Well, yesterday evening, while she was in the kitchen starting to cook HER dinner I slipped the battery out of her beloved Zapper and replaced it with a dud one. I then vanished into the conservatory and started doing my Suduko. About 15 minutes later her who must be obeyed appeared and said she couldn't get the Telly to do anything. Soooo, I replied that as I was in the doghouse I would not be able to assist. She Grunted something that sounded a bit like " Don't push your luck" before telling me if I fixed the Telly I could vacate the doghouse. After a few more minutes I told her the problem seemed to be with the Zapper and pretended I needed a small screwdriver to take it apart. I took the offending Zapper into my shed, switched the battery back to the good one and announced that I had found the fault and that it should now work. I have been getting a few suspicious looks for most of the day, but hey ho she cant prove a thing.
4 April
Day14, Peace has returned, all is well in my world, and her indoors is reasonably placid. However she keeps muttering " he's up to no good" just because I have been busy trying to design a cheap and effective face mask and so have been rather quiet. I plan to produce a prototype in the next few days although it will have to wait till she is occupied. I will now take the advice I heard from a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus and staying at home we should focus on inner peace.
To achieve this he said we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through the house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of 25 year old malt, a bodle of wodka, a butle of wum, tha mainder of me valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how blumin fablus I feel rite now.
Send this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!
5 April
Day 15, Sunday today so I am not getting up to mischief. Have completed most of my backlog of jobs with only the shed roof to repair. After that I will assist the missus with spring cleaning the bungalow. I am sure to get earache as I can guarantee I wont be doing most of the spring clean correctly. Still working on the facemask project, all I need is the chance to get the required bits without being nobbled.
6 April
Day 16, Bugger, after all my efforts to design a cheap and widely available face mask I have been pipped at the post by others on this forum. I even took the trouble to manufacture a prototype from one of my wife's Bra's. As she is a rather large lady in the boom booms department it is a full face mask with a couple of eye holes . I made 2 at the same time by cutting the material between the cups ( bowls???( and adjusting the elastic on each piece for a tight fit. I then punched through some breathing holes and attached an anti bacterial/anti viral wipe over the breathing holes. To make it fully virus proof all I need to do now is to put some cling film over the eye holes. Tomorrow , when she is skyping with her friend ,I intend to take the device for a test walk round Sainsburys. It always gives me a warm glow when a project is completed and if the test run goes well I will proudly present the device to my missus.
7 April
I presume that it is now day 17 in David's world. However he will not be able to come up with any of his rather tall stories as at the moment he is stranded on his shed roof. In case you are wondering, I am his long suffering missus. This morning I managed to find out what his latest scheme was ( I had suspected he was up to something for a few days ) Today I caught him sneaking out of the house and it was obvious he had something hidden in his coat pocket. Upon investigating I found he had what I assumed was a bra.(you may well ask). under interrogation he confessed that he had taken one of my Bra's and converted it into HIS version of a face mask. Not only had he cut it into 2 parts but to make things worse he had cut 2 holes and also drawn a face on the cup. I was furious with him and when I discovered it was my NEWEST Bra he had destroyed I locked him out in the back garden. I did provide him with food and drinks while plotting my revenge as he sometimes suffers from low blood sugar . about an hour ago I saw him getting onto the shed roof ( he was going to repair the roofing felt ) so I nipped out and took the ladders away. I told him he can stay there till he has grown up. He is sometimes worse than a toddler and need watching all the time or he gets up to mischief. If he behaves himself after I let him back in for dinner, I might allow him to continue his narratives later in the week.
9 April
Day 18, Well, where shall I start ? I should have stayed in bed yesterday, the whole day was a disaster and I now have mild sunburn and earache. The earache is from the missus who I notice had the cheek to use my face book thingy. ( I must change my password sometime.) The sunburn is from sitting on my shed roof for over an hour as me missus removed the ladder while I was up there checking the roofing felt. She can be so childish at times. It all started when I was trying to test my face mask invention. I was being very quite as I opened the front door to head for Sainsbury but I am sure she has me bugged because before I had even closed the door The voice of doom called out " What the hell are you up to now" ??? I said "nothing my dear" but to no avail. She then said " What have you got in your jacket pocket ?". and held out her hand for the object. Well I know she was raised in a Lowestoft pub from age 10 to 18, and I know that the fishermen used the pub ( I also heard her mother was the bouncer but that could have been just gossip ) but I have never in my life heard such language from a lady. "What the F**** have you done to my new Bra she yelled?? and continued in a similar vein for about another 5 minutes. Things did not improve when, to try and calm her down, I demonstrated my new face mask design. She even seemed a bit miffed that I had used some of her makeup to draw a rather realistic face on the aforementioned mask. I have thought of another design for the facemask but must leave that for another day.
10 April
All is peaceful at the moment.
Her indoors appears to have got over her hissy fit and is being very helpful in my quest to design "face mask version 2" , She has even suggested I adapt a pair of her tights and is offering to assist with the prototype initial fitting.
I find this offer to be slightly worrying and am trying to work out if there are any unforeseen hazards in accepting her help.
I managed to finish my shed roof without being marooned up there again so have now completed all my outdoor backlog of outstanding tasks.
Have a lovely Easter everyone and don't forget the social distancing.
13 April
Well folks, after having placated the missus by cleaning the inside of the conservatory she finally agreed to provide me with a pair of tights so I could make my prototype Mk2 facemask. I have encountered a couple of small snags but I think I can overcome those . First snag the tights flattened by dose, second snag they kept slipping off by dose, and the third was me glasses kept slipping off by dose, whoops, I mean my nose. I think I can overcome the second two by using some gorilla tape. As for the first snag , the flattening of my nose I guess I will just have to put up with that. I couldn't do a test run to the shops today as they are all closed , but the missus said she has some letters needed posting to the USA and would I take them into the post office tomorrow and get some stamps. I guess that will test out the mask and make sure I can breath through the several layers of material covering my mouth and nose. She has just asked if I would also nip to the bank to pay in a cheque so looks like a busy day ahead.
18 April
Well, isn't it funny how nothing ever seems to work out the way you planned it ? Was it only 5 days ago that I donned my Mk2 face mask and set off with joy in my heart and a spring in my step to visit the post office ? I was so confident in the MK2 that I hadn't thought the whole thing through very well. As I walked towards my destination I thought it rather strange that the few other people I encountered gave me strange looks and crossed the road or even in a couple of cases turned round and walked the other way. I just thought they were indulging in a sort of extreme social distancing. I joined the queue outside the Post Office and was rather surprised when the 6 or so people in front of me all suddenly decided to go away, mostly at a fast walking pace and a couple of others at the counter also left rather quickly. The lady behind the counter gave a sort scream, ( I thought she must have seen a spider) and then she seemed to drop to the floor. Thinking she was ill I tried to get behind the counter to assist when suddenly a very noisy siren thing went off. Well the noise was horrific so I thought sod it I will come back later and ran out of the shop. As I was running out the door I bumped into 2 rather large police persons who for some reason started to shout at me to get on the floor. Being a bit confused by now, what with the screeching siren and the shouty police I decided the best bet would be to just go home and have a cup of tea. However, with a total disregard for social distancing, the 2 aforementioned police persons grabbed me and put me in their car. They then took me to a police station and made me remove my MK2 face mask ( don't they know I'm a vulnerable old person ?? )After a couple of hours locked in a room they informed me they had phoned my missus and she said to , and I quote, "bloody keep him there" which they refused to do despite my pleading with them for sanctuary. I was so traumatised by the whole experience that I have spent the last few days in my shed working on the MK3 face mask and visor combination.
18 April
Well, isn't it funny how nothing ever seems to work out the way you planned it ? Was it only 5 days ago that I donned my Mk2 face mask and set off with joy in my heart and a spring in my step to visit the post office ? I was so confident in the MK2 that I hadn't thought the whole thing through very well. As I walked towards my destination I thought it rather strange that the few other people I encountered gave me strange looks and crossed the road or even in a couple of cases turned round and walked the other way. I just thought they were indulging in a sort of extreme social distancing. I joined the queue outside the Post Office and was rather surprised when the 6 or so people in front of me all suddenly decided to go away, mostly at a fast walking pace and a couple of others at the counter also left rather quickly. The lady behind the counter gave a sort scream, ( I thought she must have seen a spider) and then she seemed to drop to the floor. Thinking she was ill I tried to get behind the counter to assist when suddenly a very noisy siren thing went off. Well the noise was horrific so I thought sod it I will come back later and ran out of the shop. As I was running out the door I bumped into 2 rather large police persons who for some reason started to shout at me to get on the floor. Being a bit confused by now, what with the screeching siren and the shouty police I decided the best bet would be to just go home and have a cup of tea. However, with a total disregard for social distancing, the 2 aforementioned police persons grabbed me and put me in their car. They then took me to a police station and made me remove my MK2 face mask ( don't they know I'm a vulnerable old person ?? )After a couple of hours locked in a room they informed me they had phoned my missus and she said to , and I quote, "bloody keep him there" which they refused to do despite my pleading with them for sanctuary. I was so traumatised by the whole experience that I have spent the last few days in my shed working on the MK3 face mask and visor prototype
19 April
Just a quick update folks, I have had to abandon the MK3 face mask prototype due to unforeseen circumstances. As I was gathering material for the project which included a cycle helmet with visor, and was also going to include a cotton face mask for mouth and nose, the thunderous tones of the Missus said " You can bloody well put those back !!! and keep out of my sodding Underwear drawer !!. Well that scuppered the whole plan as I had read that the most efficient form of mask should be made of cotton and the only cotton I could find ( besides my vests, and I need them ) was her Knickers. There would have been enough material for several masks in just one pair but my plan had been to use several different colours to appeal to a wider market. As I have been incarcerated in my shed for the rest of the afternoon I am looking around to see if there is anything in there I can use for the MK4 which with any luck should be coming soon.
20 April
Not a good day so far, just found out the Missus has starched all me underpinnings including me vests socks and unmentionables. How bloody vindictive can she get ??I can already feel chaffing in certain areas and am thinking about removing said items and bashing them on a wall to soften them up a bit.
She has also warned me that if I don't behave she will withdraw from all wifely duties. That would really stump me as I have no idea how to use the washing machine and can't cook. I guess its back to the shed to finish the MK4 facemask and visor ( which contains no items from her Knicker drawer).
22 April
Day 25 ( I think ) Well I guess it was bound to happen after the Post Office fiasco with the MK2 facemask, but I was not expecting the repercussions to be quite so stringent. I got a letter from the Police telling me that I was getting an official warning and was also banned from going within 100 Mtrs ( I presume they mean yards) of any Post Office. Also it appears my missus has managed to get an order banning me from going within 2 yards of her knicker drawer and from using any of her Kitchen implements including all mechanical devices. if I break any of these conditions they say I will get an ASBO and/or tagged. They also told me that my Missus has been recommended for an award and would be receiving a letter from the palace in due course. ( I wonder what that could be for ?
23 April
Day 26. The time has arrived for the launch of the MK4 full cover, face mask, visor and rain hat. This will be sold as the basic model with instructions on how to customise to your own requirements ( such as seeing, hearing, and disposing of rain water.) It can be used with the MK1 or MK2 for extra protection and is easy to clean after use. I have not been able to test this in public due to outstanding police warnings and threats from the Missus.
24 April
I have a brand new project which first came to mind when I was about 15. I intend to try and discover how the female mind works !!!!. I realise this might prove to be very very dangerous but all great ventures carry risk. On starting my first job I asked an old boy aged about 60 if he understood women. His reply after a lot of thought was " No lad, and if ever you figure it out come and explain it to me !!!. 60 years later and I still have no bloody idea of how they think. I would welcome any tips and advice in my quest but please do not put yourselves in danger. Remember what kipling said, ( Rudyard, not the cake guy) " the female of the species is more deadly then the male". so far the advice seems to be NOT to pursue the topic. However as a veteran of previous dodgy projects you will all know I do not give up easily..
26 April
Day 28,
Just been nobbled by the missus about my latest project. Seems some of her friends read it on here and snitched to her. She thought it was hilarious that I would even think about a project like this without first asking for her advice. I told her I was unsure of how she would react because I had no idea how the female mind worked and didn't want to risk being confined to the shed again. She had the cheek to then pat me on the head and say "don't you worry about it my dear, just carry on living life in your own strange little world" but remember to "KEEP OUT of my Kitchen and KNICKER DRAWER". ( she still treats me like a 5 year old sometimes )
28 April
Day 30 ( that's just a guess as I seem to get a bit confused at times) I was celebrating a small victory on the home front today as my ban on entering the kitchen was lifted at 9-05 AM today. Unfortunately my celebration was curtailed at 9-06am when The Missus informed me she wanted the oven cleaned prior to assisting her with a full scale spring clean of the kitchen. I am now awaiting for the ban on accessing her knicker drawer to be lifted as I have thought of another facemask design that needs some rather strong elasticated material to manufacture. Last time I used this sort of material from her drawer was to make a catapult, but as that was over 30 years ago I am hoping she will have forgotten about that.(some bloody hope of THAT !!!! ).
Oh well tea break over so I better finish cleaning the oven or I wont get any dinner. ps, I have decided to give up on trying to understand the female mind as many people are concerned for my health if I continue
29 April
Day 32 (I'm just guessing now) and I have a bit of news about local Businesses.
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Covid-19.
A local Bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, and a company supplying paper for origami has folded. The local strip club has gone Tits up, Inter flora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain. The saddest one though is the ice cream van guy found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. he couldn't take it anymore and topped himself.
1 May
Day 34, I am feeling knackered today as I had a very disturbed sleep last night. It started with a sort of distant rumble followed by a loud whistling noise. As I was dozing off again I started to dream that I was on the Serengeti plain surrounded by wild life. The sound effects were so realistic starting with low grunts of a hunting Lion and shortly followed by the distant bellowing of Water Buffalo. Then came the snorts of grazing Hippo's. After a short pause I was dragged out of my half asleep state by the Trumpeting of a full herd of Elephants which seemed to be right next to me. I awoke with a start, realised I was at home in bed and that the full orchestra was emanating from the Missus who was laying on her back, mouth wide open, and oblivious to the 125 decibel racket she was creating. I was surprised that she could sleep through it without waking herself but in hindsight I realised she had years of practice. In the end I gathered my courage and gave her a gentle nudge to which her reaction was to mumble " gerrorf" and turn onto her side.
5 May
Day 40 ?? ( I have lost count ) Well I have been keeping a low profile for a few days trying to give the missus time to calm down a bit. I just don't understand why women are so dam touchy. OK, I sort of get her being a tad miffed when I nicked her bra and tights for my face mask projects but I have moved on from facemasks to home made hand gel. I realised that what was required was a gel and some sort of alcohol, so as I am not allowed to go shopping I searched the house to see if there was anything I could use. After searching for a while I came across a large jar of moisturising cream which I thought would make a good substitute for Gel. The Missus has a rather large collection of different sorts of Gin which were mostly unopened so I snaffled a couple of bottles of the ones with the most alcohol content and retired to my shed to experiment with the mixture. Well it didn't seem to mix very well and I thought it was a bit to risky to use her food blender so I had to do the best I could with a whisk. Its not too bad, although a bit lumpy so I rubbed some on my hands to see if it was any good. It seemed ok even if it did have a funny smell so I went indoors for a cuppa to celebrate my latest invention. That's when the trouble started. "What's that bloody horrible smell" she said while wrinkling her nose like a demented hamster !! "It smell like Gin and some perfumed stuff" She then disappeared for about 10 mins before yelling " where's my new jar of moisturiser" I decided it was time to retreat so headed for my shed.( For safety reason I have installed a bolt on the inside of the shed door for use in an emergency ). As I bolted the shed door I heard an even louder yell of " Where the hell are my missing bottle of Gin ???. It seems that she was collecting different types and I had managed to take 2 of her favorites. ( Raspberry and Rhubarb ) . It did not seem to have a calming effect when I explained that I had used the stuff for a good cause and that we now had a few pints of hand Gel in case we ran out.
8 May
Day 46, Things in the Dave household have just taken a turn for the worst and I am living in fear. For many years the missus has had what she calls " hot Flushes" which in some ways has proved to be beneficial to my finances. I have been able to turn down the heating in winter and on occasion she has glowed so brightly I have even been able turn down the lighting. I even contemplated inviting the local scout troop round so they could sit round her and sing campfire songs. Bless her she coped so well for many years but I think she finally decided to have a word with the doctor to see if anything could be done. Well, he prescribed these tablets and she started taking them a few days back and they did seem to help. However, they seem to be having a very weird side effect which I find rather dis-concerting. I had thought she had developed a twitch in one of her eyes but it turns out she was winking at me. They she started pinching my bum when I walked past her and suggesting having a lay down in the middle of the day. As I said at the beginning I am now starting to feel frightened as I am not sure what her intentions are. I think I might hide the tablets or swap them for something with no side effects. I am going to make a few sandwiches and a flask of tea then retreat to my shed till I can seek help.
10 May
Day 47. Its been a rather traumatic 48 hours most of which I have spent locked in my shed. I did sneak into the house last night for some warmth and sleep but as a precaution waited till the missus had gone to sleep. I also slept in an old pair of Long johns which I put on backwards so that I would not be vulnerable to any sneak attacks by the missus while I was asleep. I discovered that this idea had not been properly thought through when I needed to go for a wee in the middle of the night. This morning I awoke early, made myself lots of sandwiches and a couple of flasks to see me through the day. I decided to phone a pal of mine who was having similar problems a few years back and ask his advice. he told me that after consulting a few others with similar problems he had concluded the best course of action was to buy her a rabbit. Well I could not figure out how this could possibly help but he said he had not experienced any more problems since purchasing one for his missus. After giving the matter due consideration I decided against taking this course of action as I didn't want a bloody rabbit leaving fur all over the house and eating all my garden plants. I also heard they can bite.
11 May
Day 48. Well first I would like to thank everyone who gave me advice on ways to get out of my predicament. some seemed a bit risky like "call her bluff" but I did take all advice on board in my cogitations. I decided to venture indoors last evening due to it starting to get cold and also I kept getting wafts of food cooking. I knew this would be fraught with danger and this was confirmed when she started to sing that Victoria Woods song about "bend me over backwards on my hostess trolley" and "spank me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly" while brandishing a rolled up copy of the fore mentioned magazine. (she had purchased that when Victoria first did that sketch on telly). I let her think she had won the battle and kept patting her knee and smiling at her till it was time for bed. I then put my evil devious plan into operation. A plan so cunning that most women in the world would have no answer too. As we snuggled up in bed, me in my Jim jams and her in her winceyette nighty I said " I am so sorry my dear, I have a headache"
12 May
Day 49. After surviving the night unmolested I had a hasty breakfast before retreating to my shed. I decided to try and seek outside assistance via my " to bloody smart for its own good " phone. First I called Childline but after explaining my predicament was told they could not help as I was not a child ( don't they count second childhood???). My next call was to the local vicar but he could not help either saying that "Sanctuary " in a church was abolished a few hundred years ago. Well I then called the police, air sea rescue, the Samaritans, the AA and even help the aged but they all said, Sorry we cannot help. In desperation I then called the Women's Institute hoping for a bit of empathy but all I could hear was laughter. I then spotted the guy next door in his garden and explained my predicament to him (he is a young guy of around 60 ). He said" I have just the thing to solve your problem" and returned a few minutes later and handed me a small blue pill. he asked if I had a weak heart and I said No but I do have a weak bladder. He told me it might be best to cut the pill in half or even quarters for my first dose and to take it 30 mins before going to bed. Well I have no idea how this pill can help ?? maybe it will make me fall asleep before I can be got at. I think I might try it tonight, but just a quarter dose, as I am curious to find out what effects it has.
13 May
Day 50. Last night I took a quarter of the little blue pill so I could see what the effect would be. As instructed this was 30 mins before retiring for the night. I didn't notice anything happening as my wife and I read our books before settling down for the night but I think the pill could be working in some way as the missus wasn't so frisky and except for a kiss and cuddle left me to sleep in peace. I am wondering how the little pill could have any effect on her but the guy next door did say it would solve my problem and it seems he could be right. An alternative might be that I switched her "hot Flush" tablets in her pill dispenser for some vitamin tablets that looked about the same. At about 3 in the morning I visited the toilet for a pee and did notice something rather strange . Normally I get told off for dribbling on the front of the toilet seat but this time I missed the seat by a fair distance. I was a bit concerned by this so when I had my "first thing in the morning" pee I adopted my normal stance and was amazed that I didn't dribble on my shoes which is what normally happens. He did appear a little bit stiffer than usual and I am worried he might have rigor mortice as he has shown little sign of life for quite a long time now. This morning the Missus asked if we could have a "Date Night" on Saturday, so as I felt a bit guilty having spent so long in my shed I agreed. I am not really keen on Dates as they are rather sticky and a bit too sweet for my taste but sometimes one has to just go with the flow. I think I will take the half of the blue tablet on Saturday as she might have other devious plans and the quarter one did seem to work at preventing her from molesting me.
15 May
Day 52, It seems a few people on this lovely site are getting a bit concerned for my welfare. There is no cause for concern at the moment, and the reason for my absence is that I am engaged in research for Date night which is scheduled for tomorrow (Saturday). As its quite a while since I last engaged in what can only be described as "Hanky Panky" I decided it would be wise to do some revision. It seems that the procedure is quite Athletic and required a degree of flexibility that I no longer have and as some of the required moves are quite complex I have made a few notes to refer to if I needed during said procedure. I wont be posting tomorrow as I will spend the day trying to ensure that nothing can go wrong and gathering a few flowers from the garden and maybe the grass verges when I go for my walk. During my research I have discovered that women like to be Wooed so I will devote some time to going Woo, Woo ,Woo , during the day. I will say ta ta for now and hope to be able to give an account of how things progressed on Sunday.
17 May
Day 53, (part 1 of several) (its a long story)
Well its funny how things turn out.
I got up nice and early yesterday as it was Date Night and I had to prepare myself and gather my courage. I had noticed in the preceding few days that the missus seemed to have calmed down a bit and was no longer winking and leering at me all the time and wasn't grabbing my bottom every time she got near me. In fact she appeared to be mostly back to her normal self. I think this was the result of my having swapped her "hot flush" tablets for the vitamin pills. However, as I had steeled myself for the event I thought it best to carry on with my preparations. I went for my morning walk early today to enable me to obtain a nice bouquet of flowers for her to start the day on a romantic note. (I do hope the people at number 26 don't notice any gaps in their flower beds). On returning home I made breakfast and put the flowers in a vase before presenting both to her in bed. She sat up in bed, gave me one of her "burn a hole in steel" looks and said, " What the hell are you up to now ??" she also asked if I had pinched the flowers from number 26 front garden which I of course denied. ( to be continued)
17 May
Day 53 (part 2 of several more episodes)
Well I made it through Saturday morning unscathed and after lunch embarked on my preparations for the event. I washed what little hair I have left and after some thought decided to trim my nostril hairs and also the ones growing on the tips of my ears. ( why do they grow there and not on my head ??) This took some time and resulted in several bits of paper having to be stuck to aforementioned facial parts to staunch the flow of blood. On seeing this the Missus sort of shook her head, rolled her eyes and tutted several times. in the afternoon the phone rang and as soon as the wife answered and said "Hello Gladys" I decided it was time to vanish for a while. (Gladys lives at number26). Later, while sitting in the conservatory for afternoon tea I enquired as to why Gladys had called and the missus informed me that someone had been caught on her security camera, pinching flowers who resembled me, but as he had some sort of mask covering the face she could not be 100% certain. ( so glad I decided to wear the MK2 facemask for my morning walk.) As we sipped our tea and looked out over the garden she suddenly said "I have a job for you " which you can do later today. What is that my dear said I, to which she replied " I need my bush trimming" . Bloody hell I thought as I came close to fainting, I hope my strimmer can cope. She then pointed at a large bush in the border and said "That one over there". The relief was overwhelming and my colour returned as my breathing resumed. (to be continued)
18 May
Day 53. ( part 3 ).
The afternoon progress peacefully and I completed the gardening tasks before enjoying a nice dinner of steak, chips and salad. We then spent the evening watching TV and enjoying a glass of wine before the Missus said she was ready for bed . I said I would follow shortly as I wanted to finish watching the news . As soon as she left the room I did a quick change into my "second best vest" and dabbed some "Old Spice" aftershave which I had as a present in 1973 behind my ears. ( I found it in a box at the back of my shed a few days ago ). I then changed into my Jim Jams which I had hidden in the airing cupboard, cleaned my teeth while deciding to keep my partial denture in so I looked my best. I then thought, as a last ditch defence, to take the half of the blue pill I had left. On entering the bedroom I got quite a surprise as she was sitting up in bed reading with rollers in her hair and some sort of gooey cream all over her face. Well I was a bit disconcerted by this as I was expecting her to be wearing her best flannelette nighty, and maybe as a special treat her support stockings. ( I was always partial to a lady in stockings ever since I watched "St Trinians" as a youngster.) She looked at me and said "why are you wearing your second best vest ? and what the hell is that funny smell ??. I said," but darling, its date night, to which she replied "In your dreams you randy old git". (to be continued)
19 May
Day 53/54. After the missus told me I must be dreaming and referred to me as a randy old git I reminded her that she was the one who suggested "Date Night". She glowered at me and said " I wasn't expecting to wait all bloody week for you to get your act together and anyway the urge seems to have gone away " I gave her a big hug (we both like to hug and cuddle) before kissing her goodnight ( getting covered in her gooey face cream) and settling down for the night.
3AM Day 54. I woke suddenly, then froze rigid as I realised I had cramp in my calf muscle. I knew that if I did not get up and walk around it would be agony. I threw off the quilt and leapt out of bed and danced around the bedroom like a demented Dervish while swearing and cursing with the pain. I heard the missus mumble " Whatever your up to now, Be Bloody QUIET ". After a while the pain subsided so I thought that while I was up I needed to visit the bathroom. This next bit is not for the faint hearted !!!!. I will try to give an idea of the problem I encountered by using "plumbing " references. Imagine your kitchen tap was turned to point upwards instead of down. Now imagine what would happen if you turned it on at full force. I think that maybe you are getting the picture now ?? I tried everything I could think of to avoid a flood, but whatever angle I tried I could not line up on the target. I bent and twisted for ages but found things were getting a bit painful in the "tap" department. In desperation I ran out into the garden in my "second best vest and slippers" and emulated the statue of that Belgium boy. I think maybe the blue pill must have had some weird side effect "besides fending off the missus" as I have not woken up with the tap pointing the wrong way for many years. I returned to bed and slept soundly after being lulled to sleep by the distant bellowing of a heard of Elephants coming from the missus.
20 May
Day 56, The epilogue. This morning my missus told me she had a hot flush and did not think the tablets the doctor had prescribed were working. She asked if she should request something stronger but I told her it might not be a good idea as I had read they can be a health risk. I told her they can cause things like strokes and heart problems and even embolisms so I did not want her to take them if she could cope without. ( she only has about one a week.) There are other serious side effects including panic attacks, sleepless nights, paranoia , nervous twitches, a desire to hide in sheds, and a strong calling to enter Mount St Bernard's Abbey as a novice Monk. These mostly effect partners. I have tried calling the Abbey but they say I don't qualify.I bid you all a fond farewell for now and could be back when I get my next project started. (I am thinking of producing some "moonshine Whisky" but need to ask my brother in West Virginia for some advice on how to build a "still".)
21 May
I would like to thank you all for your kind comments and best wishes . The local PSO beat officer called today and said she had a report that a few nights ago someone was seen by a neighbour doing a strange dance in our garden at about 3 am while wearing what appeared to be a white top and slippers. It seems the dance stopped suddenly when he emulated the little Belgian boy by trying to wee over next doors hedge, I off course denied all knowledge of this event but my wife told the PSO "its ok my dear, I think it must have been my husband , he is quite harmless but lives in his own little world". hope to catch up with you all soon. Dave.xx
28 May
Can anyone remember those home Chemistry sets we could buy that contained lots of useful (and dangerous) stuff to experiment with ?
28 May
Well I decided to do a bit of research on the availability of Chemistry sets and although many are available none of them appear to contain any of the "Good stuff " I need for my experiments. Not a single one contains any acids and the amounts of chemicals are so small its not worth while. I need to extend my research to see what household chemicals can be used. The missus has a whole cupboard filled with various bottles under the sink that look interesting and so far her large bottle of stuff to unblock the drains looks the most promising. I might give my local chemist a call as in the past he has been most obliging in getting stuff for me. He once got me a decent size bottle of Formaldehyde which was brilliant. He also said he had some Kayolin and morphine but "the boss" put the mockers on that one saying I was dopey enough without taking stuff with morphine.
29 May
I am now starting to be a bit concerned about Ray Haywood. He knows far to much about this Uranium for my liking. Maybe he was one of those who listened to the teacher during Chemistry and physics lessons instead of messing about with all those lovely chemicals in jars that were in the room.
29 May
In my quest for Chemistry "good Stuff" I have just remembered that Phosphorus can be obtained from Urine. Its quite a simple process I believe. You have to boil it till you get a reddish slush , remove the salt deposits from the container , let the hot Urine cool before adding the red sludge and then re-boiling till most of the liquid has gone. Now where do's the missus keep her big saucepan ??. I am sure Ray Heywood will correct any mistakes I have made in the process. Its nice to have an expert around to advise me.
30th may
It appears that the Chemistry gang is now fully staffed with a production department, a defence department, a planning department and myself as a Urine collector. I did have half a large saucepan full all ready to start boiling down to produce the Phosphorus but the missus threw it down the toilet saying she needed the saucepan to boil the spuds. (Typical bloody woman). I have my eye on her pressure cooker now as she seldom uses it and I am sure it will come in hand. I have a new ingredient to experiment with now, "magnesium strip", I seem to remember it can be quite amusing when added to water. I await some tips from the experts in the planning department.
30 May
I am not trying to compete with Malcolm Beaumont as he is a Chemistry expert so I will just stick to the safe legal stuff. I will start out with Ice Bombs and then gradually move on to the more interesting things we used to make when young. for example pipe guns and those Molotov thingies. Notice I did not give the Molotov things their full name due to not wishing to spend a holiday in some bay in Cuba. As usual I welcome any input from the rest of the Chemistry team.
31 May
As my research into my new project of Chemistry proceeds I am encountering some rather interesting stuff I seem to remember the teacher demonstrating at school. I am now researching the reactions of various Alkali metals with water. I seem to remember sodium being used and also a rather impressive one using Potassium metal. There was also an apparatus in the corner of the school lab in a glass enclosure with ventilation pipes running through the outside wall. I believe this was called a Kipps apparatus. One day we popped into the lab at lunch time, started the apparatus running, closed the ventilator outlets and left the box door open. The effect was awesome, a bit like setting off the largest stink bomb in the history of school boy pranks. The stink of bad eggs was so bad they couldn't use the room for several days and the smell could be noticed all over the school.
31 May
Oh Bugger, I am now back in the shed after my latest experiment appeared to upset the Missus (again). It was just a simple experiment to see if I could produce some dry ice. I have some Co2 fire extinguishers, One for the shed and a couple in the garage so I chose the shed one. I then searched for a suitable linen bag amongst her vast collection of various hand, shopping, and "God only knows what for bags" . I then found an ideal bag for my needs that she keeps her dance shoes in and which has a draw cord to close the neck of the bag. Donning my thickest gardening gloves I inserted the nozzle of the extinguisher into the bag, tightened the drawstring gripped the neck and nozzle of the bag tightly ( using an old towel for extra insulation) and gave a good burst of the Co2 into the bag. Well so far so good. I removed the nozzle from the bag, shook it hard and could tell there was ice inside. I took the bag inside the conservatory where the missus was sitting reading and proudly opened the bag to show her my latest achievement. Well, after a couple of seconds a white mist poured from the bag and within less than a minute had filled the conservatory so the missus had to make a hasty retreat into the garden. I followed and as the bag was still pouring out a thick white fog I threw it over next doors hedge out of the way. I will now have to see why my dry ice was so quick in turning into a gas and if I can retrieve her bag back from next door.
1 June
Have just tested the MK1 ice bomb with some degree of success. I gathered the required bits and pieces in my shed which consist of a 2ltr Plastic bottle half full of water, my heavy duty Gloves, the fire extinguisher, the shoe bag and my safety goggles.( I know , safety goggles are for wussies, but they make me look like a proper Chemist). The rest is quite simple. I prepared my dry ice by squirting the CO2 from the extinguisher in to the bag as per previous post. Then I shook the bag to break up the ice into small bits then, wearing my gloves forced the ice into the bottle . Gas started to pour out of the bottle very quickly so I squeezed the bottle to give some room for expansion, screwed on the bottle top and threw the bottle across the lawn. Within a few minutes there was a very satisfying loud bang and a large white cloud of gas. The plastic bottle was in several pieces and the Missus was a bit miffed. A few people who live nearby appeared and asked what the explosion was. I of course denied all knowledge and retreated back into my shed.
2 June
I am in hiding at the moment !!! Not because of the phone call from the police about an explosion that the neighbours claim came from my garden, not due to the shredded dance shoe bag I used to make the dry ice in,, not even about the strange taste of the spuds when she uses her large saucepan to boil them. I am Hiding because despite my best efforts not to listen, she keeps TALKING at me. I do my Suduko, she talks, I do a crossword, she talks, I watch my favourite TV show, she TALKS, !!!. I even hear her talking at me in her sleep, its driving me BONKERS. I need help, I need a soundproof padded cell, I need to join a Monastery. I am used to her NOT talking to me when I do something she disapproves of ( that's most days ) but this is like a new form of torture. I NEED HELP. Please post any advice to Dave's shed Thurmaston. (the postman will know its for me.
3 June
In answer to Aileen White advice on my current delema. Thanks for the tip Aileen, I do not have a crash helmet but I could use the MK2 facemask, the Bucket one. As for that threat " shall I slip into something ???" I believe that it fills the hearts of most men over a certain age with a feeling of dread. Its not that we don't still love our wives very much, its just that our little "pals" decided it was time to retire from duty and have a well deserved rest. I now expect loads of denials, even from those older than my 75 years
4 June
At the moment I have a bit of a problem. I found the perfect container for the MK2 ice bomb. One of those ceramic hot water bottles from the olden days. I put in the required cup of water and then added 2 cups of the dry ice and screwed in the stopper. As a safety precaution, in case of flying shards of ceramics ,I had dug a hole in my veggie patch large enough to contain the bomb. I quickly placed the bomb in the hole and covered it with a few inches of soil and waited, at a safe distance for it to go off. However, its been 20 minutes now and still nothing has happened. I am a bit nervous now as to get indoors for my cuppa, I have to walk past where the ice bomb is buried which could be a bit risky. I remember from a few years ago when making some home made beer, I had put the beer in bottles with screw down tops which for some unknown reason had started to explode a few weeks later. . I think maybe the same could happen with the hot water bottle. Can any one advise me if I should call the bomb disposal people, and if so will they social distance ??.
4 June
2PM, My Missus has just asked me to get her some veg from the garden and when I mentioned that this could prove a tad dangerous she gave me one of her funny looks and asked "what the hell can be dangerous about picking a few Veggies". As I could not think of an explanation that would not place me in even more danger (from her) I decided the lesser risk was from the, so far, unexploded water bottle. As I approached the veggie patch I could see a ghostly mist rising from the ground where I had buried the device. This gave me some hope, as I figured that maybe the rubber seal round the water bottle stopper was leaking a bit and reducing some of the pressure. As an extra safety precaution I got my wheel barrow from the shed and carefully tipped it upside down over the bomb site and placed a large terracotta plant pot on top of the wheel barrow. As an extra safety measure I donned the MK2 head and face mask (the bucket) and my thick gloves and very gently proceeded to collect the veg. I feel relieved that I have managed to gather the crops and remain unscathed from both sources of danger.
5 June
OH Dear, My day did not start off on a good note. Firstly I was awakened by a very loud noise at about 4am, At first I thought it might be the Missus passing wind as she can achieve very high volumes at times if we have had beans or cauliflower during the day. However as she appeared to be still fast asleep and mumbling what sounded like "I'm going to bloody swing for him one of these days" I decided to investigate further. On peering through a gap in the curtains I could see the garden security light was on and there was what appeared to be a hole in my vegetable patch. Also there was what looked like a large terracotta plant pot embedded in the roof of my shed. At this point I noticed that several of the neighbours had started to appear in their jim -jams and seemed to be pointing towards my house. I therefore decided to get into bed and go back to sleep and sort things out some other time.
6 June
At Last I have finished clearing up the debris after the unexpected exploding of my MK 2 ice bomb. The first task was to retrieve my wheelbarrow which was on top of my neighbours hedge. Then I removed the Terracotta pot from my shed roof and repaired the hole in the roof. I did consider leaving the hole and keeping it as an emergency escape hatch for use if the missus ever blocked off my others routes but decided it might let in the rain if I ever got incarcerated in there. Then I had the task of finding the bits from my bomb casing ( the shattered remains of the ceramic water bottle ) and filling in the hole in my vegetable patch. we have had a few phone calls enquiring about an explosion in the night, some even from a few streets away, but I let the missus answer the phone anyway, as its seldom, if ever for me. She is able to tell people, including the police and anti terror guys, in all honesty, that she did not hear a thing, so that's me in the clear, heheeh.t I am now pondering on how to make the MK3 ice bomb and am thinking of using another old water bottle I found in the shed. This one was made from a WW1 shell casing and is made of rather thick metal with a screw top that can be locked off with a spanner to avoid leakage. If any other member of the Chemistry team were around I could ask their advice but they all appear to be missing. ( I believe Ray Heywood is incarcerated in a psychatric institution at the moment due to hallucinations that he can see me everywhere he goes and believes I am an inmate rather than himself). I might pop in to visit him if I can keep social distancing.
8th June
I am having to curtail my activities for a while due to being under threat from several sources. The Missus is the main threat saying she will stop feeding me if I do not behave. There is also the threatening letter I received from the Anti-terrorism guys saying that if there are anymore explosions reported in the area of my home I will be incarcerated in the Tower for a very long time. The 3rd threat came via a phone call from the local constabulary who said that any more reports relating to myself would result in an ASBO being issued. Ergo, for the foreseeable future I fully intend to keep a low profile.
10 June
A quick note from a secret location. Thank you all for your kind comments and concerns for my well being. I love the Free David campaign and tee shirt but must inform you that the authorities are telling Porkies if they say they managed to capture me. While in my secret location I have regular contact with the missus ( while keeping to social distancing rules ) but have noticed a return of her tendency to get a trifle "unnecessary" and do hope that poor Ray Heywood manages to avoid her clutches. I believe I may be responsible for his problem as I have not been able to switch her "hot Flush" tablets to a vitamin pill for quite some time. I am keeping occupied by de-fluffing, my Naval, dewaxing me ears, trimming my nose hairs and working on my next invention. In the words of the Terminator " I'll be back"
12 June
Having done a stealthy recon from my secret location I have now decided it might be safe for me to come out of hiding. Anyway, the dust under the bed in the spare bedroom kept making me sneeze and it was hard to avoid the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner when the Missus tried to get me out. I am pleased to tell Ray Heywood that we are both now safe from her predations as I have managed to swap all her hot flush medication for the vitamin pills. Today I have started on reconstructing my shed and also filling in the craters in my vegetable plot. I have decided, under duress, to abandon my forays into the world of Ice Bombs and look for another harmless pastime to keep me occupied. Over several months this year I have noticed a large increase in the number of feral pigeons in the area that leave mess everywhere and also steal all the bird food so I think they will be my next project. For some strange reason the Missus has agreed to me purchasing a Catapult, although she did veto the crossbow and shotgun ideas. She has also stated that I can only use pingpong balls as ammo (as if ). Well as all is now harmony in Chez Dave, I will venture in door for a nice cuppa.
14 June
I have yet to decide on a way to deal with my pigeon problem, but I am working on a few different options. I have tested a couple of home made devices but with little success due to the elastic in various articles of female undergarments not being strong enough. ( I will be in trouble if the missus finds out or if her knickers end up round her ankles when we are out for a walk ). I have therefore decided to purchase one from the internet but need to do some research to ascertain which is the most suitable. I also have to solve the problem of "her who must be obeyed" insisting that I can only use pingpong balls as ammo. I am going to try making a small hole in the ball and inject in some fine cement with a garden Syringe I use to measure out my bug spray. I will also work on a way to attach the ball to a 20ft long piece of string so I can retrieve the balls without being spotted by anyone who has the misfortune to have a window broken.
15 June
Oh dear, Just heard the Missus yelling " Have you nicked the bloody elastic out of my best knickers" ??.Time to retreat back to my rejuvenated shed complete with moat. I blame Ray Heywood he is a bad influence.
16 June
I feel I must, in my own defence, explain away the malicious rumour being spread by Ray Heywood that I wear my wife's Knickers. Firstly this only happens when mine get a tad damp and my spare pair have not been ironed. Secondly most of hers are far to BIG for me and feel as if they are constantly falling down. This has become far worse during the last few days as most of hers have missing elastic. Ergo, wearing hers is NOT a life choice as implied by Ray Heywood, but a necessity in keeping the bits and bobs warm.
17 June
WOW what a squall that was. Our road was like a river for about 15 minutes and the thunder and lightning were awesome. It seemed very loud in my shed but at least my roof has no leaks. I was just finishing off my experimental flame thrower when the squall came through so will have to postpone the test firing till tomorrow as its no use trying to singe wet pigeons. I had just finished converting my garden weed burner into something with a bit more whoomph by fitting a different nozzle and some new washers for the pump it should give me a good 20/30ft range. I do hope the weather is dry within the next few days as I cant wait to try it out.
25 June
Hi everyone, Its been a while but I can now explain the progress from my Catapult experiment to deter pigeons from my garden.. I ordered the delux, high powered version with three sets of powerful elastic and 2 packets of dried mud balls about the size of marbles. I also purchased a dozen ping pong balls and a small bag of quick drying cement. I spent several days practicing my aim with the ping pong balls and was pleased with how accurate I became. I then practiced aiming at the pigeons but found they could move a lot quicker than the light PP balls so then tried with some of the dried mud balls which did appear to travel faster but still missed the pigeons. By now, after keeping a close eye on me, my Missus decided my ammo was harmless and that the pigeons were safe. Once her scrutiny had gone away I mixed some of the cement and dipped in the PP balls and a few dozen of the mud balls coating them in a good layer of cement. I then decided to lure the pigeons by placing seed, mealy worms and crumbled suet on top of my fences and then taking up position in the doorway of my shed. I should NOT have tried my first pigeon shoot on a day when everyone had their windows and doors wide open and their washing hanging on the line although the washing might have saved their windows from serious damage. I started by firing at the pigeons on the roof ridges of nearby houses with the PP balls which proved quite successful in making them move but seemed to bring out the house holders who I could hear asking " what the hell is that noise" as the concrete coated balls rattled down their roofs. I then decided to aim at the ones on the fence using the mud balls but forgot to take into account the people sitting in their gardens. After several shouts of " OUCH" and "look at that mess on my washing" I retreated indoors and decided to wait for a rainy day before continuing.
26 June
Oh bugger, I am keeping a low profile again today after last nights error with the catapult and mud balls. I decided I could not wait for rain before testing the ammo in wet conditions so I put on my sprinkler. One would have thought that people living in the vicinity would have taken in their washing and gone indoors by 10PM however this proved not to be the case. I took the advice of the evil Ray Heywood and placed some seed on the lawn covered by a sheet of glass. Despite the sprinkler the pigeons swooped down and attempted to get at the seed. Realising from past experience that they would be near impossible to hit on the ground I decided to try just after they took off. Anyway, I lurked in the semi hidden spot at the side of my trusty shed, loaded my Catapult and took aim about 8ft above them. I then kicked the side of my shed to scare them into flight and let fly. Within 30 seconds I had fired 6 times in several directions trying to hit them in mid air. Well, I don't think I have heard such language since the incident with the Wife's Bra while making the MK1 Facemask. "WHAT THE F***ING HELL" Some one yelled, "Look at my "F***ING SHEETS" This was repeated from a couple of locations followed by someone else yelling "what about my bloody windows". At this point I decided to retreat indoors and told the Missus if anyone should ask I had been indoors all evening. It appears my error was to fire the dry mud balls through the sprinkler water thereby making them wet and gooey.
27 June
I don't know what the world is coming to !!! It appears that someone in the neighbourhood has been splatting peoples washing and windows with wet mud and some even got it in their hair. I blame the parents, why cant they keep their kids under control and stop them doing stuff like this ???? However, it appears the police are taking the issue seriously and even want me to help them with their enquiries later today. I guess they must regard me as a pillar of the local community who has knowledge of the local scallywags and keeps his finger on the pulse.
27 June
I think I just spotted Ray Heywood throwing Pigeon food over my fence !!! I told you he was evil.
28 June
Well ,as promised, a couple of very nice police ladies called round yesterday afternoon so that I could assist them with their enquiries. The Missus invited them in, gave them tea and cake and then they all talked about me for about an hour completely ignoring the fact that I was in the room and forbidden from sneaking off to my shed. I kept hearing snippets of the conversation with phrases like, "Oh you poor woman" and "how do you put up with him" coming from the police ladies. When they finally got round to the reason for their visit' it appears that for several months they had been getting reports and complaints about various happenings in the area' such as explosions, flying debris, including plant pots, the occasional wheelbarrow, shards of ceramic hot water bottle and the latest outrage a splattering of mud on windows and washing hanging out to dry. While listing these strange happening they all kept peering in my direction and nodding their heads. They asked if I had any idea who might be responsible for such outrages which I of course denied. It appears they will be returning again today with a search warrant as I refused to let them search my shed telling them it was an independent principality of our garden and was not subject to UK law.
29 June
This morning the 2 nice Police ladies returned with their search warrant and escorted my to my shed. After a thorough search. they had accumulated quite a heap of what they considered to be suspect items and proceeded to caution me saying "anything I said would be taken down etc" I mumbled "knickers" under my breath which got me a slap round the head from my Missus. They were curious as to the purpose of my various Face Masks and asked if I had taken part in any robbery's and also where I had acquired the items of feminine undies to make the mask's. I said that my Missus had donated them, which got me another slap round the head. I then asked the police ladies if I had a case for a charge of domestic abuse against the Missus as she kept slapping me but they said I deserved it and anyway I had no witnesses. Just my luck to get 2 short sighted police ladies !!!!. They then spent 5 minutes perusing my catapult, waving it about and testing the stretch of the elastic and then asking what ammo I used. I was going to fib but by then they had opened the container where I kept my muddy balls ( Just shut it Ray Heywood, I don't want any of your smutty comments). They then bagged the catapult and my balls ( I said SHUT IT RAY) and said they were going to take me, and the suspect items from my shed, to the police station for further investigation. At this point I noticed the Missus doing a little Jig around the garden and yelling "Hooray,.I never realised I was so popular in the area. when I was being escorted to the police van all the neighbours were out in the street applauding. I gave a little bow and a wave and told them I would soon be back.
1 July
I am back home now and feeling a bit down in the dumps.
I have been charged with several things including possession of an offensive weapon (catapult), possession of a flame thrower contrary to international arms limitation regulations, possession of materials for use in making explosive devices, making suggestive remarks to a couple of police ladies and refusing to leave a police cell for 2 nights till my Missus had calmed down a bit, They have confiscated my catapult, my garden weed burner (flamethrower) My rather large collection of garden fertilizer, my nitric / sulphuric acids and glycerine and even my prototype face masks. I now have to wait to see what charges the CPS will bring . I am ignoring suggestions from all concerned to plea guilty and claim diminished responsibility due to being dropped on my head as a baby and full intend to conduct my own defence. I will spend some time watching old recordings of Rumpole of the Bailey to get a few ideas.
2 July
The fight continues. The forces of the law and Yvonne Woodward might think they have defeated me in my battle against the ubiquitous pigeon but they are mistaken. I will never admit defeat. At the moment I am busy preparing my defence for if my case comes to court . I have decided to opt for a trial by Jury as this will cause the maximum inconvenience to the judicial system and cost them lots of money. This should teach them not to pick on a defenceless old boy . I am also gathering ideas for continuing the anti pigeon campaign and have several thoughts along the lines of Boomerangs and Drones both of which I am, at the moment, not banned from possessing. Once more unto the breeches for Thurmaston, myself and the evil Ray .
5 July
‘The taverns are full of gadabouts making merry this eve. And though I may press my face against the window like an urchin at a confectioners, I am tempted not by the sweetmeats within. A dram in exchange for the pox is an ill bargain indeed.'
The Diary of Samuel Pepys: Plague, London 1665
Think upon this, ye of liberated local libations.
9 July
Well where do I start ???? I am sending this missive from the confines of Welford Road Prison where I am on remand charged with various offences including vandalism, making explosive devices, having a flames thrower, using said flamethrower to singe the feathers of Pigeons ( and the lady next doors knickers while they were hanging on her washing line) , possessing assorted offensive weapons including a Catapult , homemade crossbow , and what they call a blowpipe but I call a peashooter. They have also added the charge of making lewd suggestions to policewomen although I did point out that they started it by saying they were going "to take down my particulars". I am locked in a cell with a guy they call "Crusher" who is awaiting trial charged with drug and violence offences. Its not so bad and we are making some money selling off some of my prescription medication to other inmates as class a drugs. I don't think anyone will complain as "Crusher" is very large and covered in Tattoo's. Whoops, will have to continue later as I have to hide this tablet because we are expecting a cell search at any moment.
10 July
I appear to have established a rapport between myself and my cell mate "Crusher" after agreeing to let him have half my supply of "Statins" for use in mixing with his drug supply. ( I think he might be selling to other inmates ) He enquired as to the reason for my being on remand and he seemed quite impressed when I explained about the armaments and explosive devices. He also seemed a tad sceptical when I informed him I would be conducting my own defence and intended to opt for trial by jury if possible. I received a missive today informing me that her indoors had done a bunk with some guy called Sven who she had employed as a gardener. Well I wish him luck with that and hope he has a ready supply of WD40 and Duckham's 20/50 lubricating oil. Since I have not been around to switch her "hot flush" medication for vitamin pills I suppose she has started to get all unnecessary again while failing to recognise the deprivation of the ageing process. I do hope Sven has the emergency services on speed dial in case of unforeseen happenings for example Hip Lock, Knee Lock and back Lock or even the possibility of her swallowing her false teeth in the throes of excitement. I have to go now as "Crusher" wants me to deliver some small packages to a few of the other inmates.
11 July
First I would like to thank June and Jenny for the lovely cakes they sent to me and also Heather for offering to bring me more statins when she visits me. Delia Brake would you mind elucidating the reason for your concern over my picking up the soap if I happen to drop it in the shower? as I am somewhat baffled. "Crusher had a visit yesterday from his Mum and she gave him some wool and knitting needles ( I Know, it confused me as well) Apparently his daughter is "up the duff" and expecting a little girl in a few weeks time, so "Crusher" wants to knit some booties and a little jumper for her. Anyway last night I held the wool while "Crusher" wound it into a ball and we shared some of the cake and had a nice chat. It seems his Mum is keeping his business running while he is in here and also working on getting his case dropped due to a lack of witnesses. Well I better go now as its time to deliver "Crushers" little packages again.
12 July
I have now discovered why my cell mate is called "Crusher". It started at breakfast time as I was waiting in the queue to be served. On previous mornings I had tolerated the hard rubbery things that passed for Fried Eggs, but , looking across at the serving tray, I perceived that nothing had changed so I decided to have a word with the cook and explain my preference in the fried egg department. Well my turn to be served came at last and a rubber egg was placed on my tray along with the beans and bacon (which I cannot fault.) I prodded the egg with my fork and noticed that the fork bounced off as before. I asked the serving guy if he would fetch the chef as I wanted a word. This seemed to cause some hilarity in the queue waiting behind me. The serving guy asked if I was sure I wanted to do this and I insisted. It must have been only a couple of minutes before this ill mannered oaf from near the back of the queue came marching down and grabbed me by my shirt. He then proceeded to pour forth a string of foul language complete with threats of physical violence if I didn't stop holding up the F**ing queue. I can't think why he was in such a hurry as he wasn't going anywhere, Anyway, I explained that I was waiting to have a word with the Chef about my egg but then Potty mouth picked up my tray and tipped it over my head. With beans streaming down my face and slices of bacon clinging to my head (the egg had bounced off somewhere) I couldn't see much , However my shirt front was suddenly released and I could hear a high pitched shrieking sound eminating from the vicinity of "potty mouth". I cleared some beans from my eyes and noticed that "potty" was about 12 inches off the ground being lifted by one of "crusher" beefy hand which appeared to be squeezing "potty's" testicles very hard while at the same time lifting him off the ground. By then the Chef had arrived and asked what all the bloody racket was about so I explained the circumstances involved and told him I would like my fried egg "over easy" in future as I liked to dip my bacon in the yolk. I thought he was going to explode. he went bright red and asked where the hell I thought I was. However when "Crusher smiled at him and said " do his F'ing eggs how he wants or there will be problems the Chef said "I will ensure his eggs are cooked to his satisfaction.
13 July
I have an appointment with the prison boss tomorrow morning. Something about nearly causing a riot at breakfast time with all the inmates demanding their eggs be cooked to their specifications. I don't know why he wants to see me as I wasn't even there today as I was having a lay in. There is also a rumour going around that it was me who damaged "potty mouths" testimonials. Crusher said that if asked at tomorrows meeting I should just say "Maybe " it was, but it was in self defence. He also said it would be good for my reputation and the other inmates might think twice before messing with me. Anyway it appears that all the witnesses have said it was me including the Chef who wasn't even there till it was all over. I think that they must all have very bad eyesight and need to visit Specsavers.
14 July
Its not fair !!!. I got a right Bollocking off the prison boss this morning. he started by saying I was a disruptive influence on the other inmates and he was concerned that I might be a bad influence on Crusher. He then proceeded to question me about the incident over the Egg and the subsequent damage to Potty Mouths testimonials. It appears he has been moved to the Infirmary for treatment as the aforementioned appendages have swollen to the size of oranges. I denied all knowledge of the damage to Potties Goolies and said I did not see a thing as I had beans in my eyes and bacon on top of my head. However he said he had 30 witnesses attesting to my blame and that he would be contacting the court officials and CPS to have an extra charge of GBH added to my charge sheet. Got a bit of a surprise today when I received a letter from the missus asking if she could visit me. Maybe the lure of Sven and his Dibber has started to wane or maybe she just wants to gloat over my predicament. I will of course allow her to visit as it will be nice to see her again whatever her reasons. I have to go now as I am giving Crusher and a few of his friends a lesson on the basics of making a dry ice bomb.
15 July
I have now started working on my defence for the charges I have been arrested for. Crusher is being helpful as he said I need not worry about the GBH charge for allegedly damaging Potties family jewels as all the witnesses had developed memory loss and Potty would soon be withdrawing his allegations. (that's nice of him). It appears I have to appear before the magistrate again for a review of my remand status and also the decision on my request for trial by jury. It appears that they can refuse in some instances if they don't deem my offences to be serious enough for a jury trial. I will just have to hope they agree as I am looking forward to my Rumpole of the Bailey performance and have been practicing my opening and closing addresses to the jury. I might even call Crusher to attest to my good character. It appears the missus has now returned to the family home on her own so I presume the lure of Sven and his dibber had dissipated. Or maybe they ran out of wd40 and the Duckham's 20/50 lubricating oil. I hear friction burns can be very painful. hehehe. I now have to give the next lesson on making ice bombs to Crusher and his mates. If they have managed to purloin the required bits and pieces, I will demonstrate the theory involved before moving on to a practical demo in the exercise yard tomorrow. They all appear to be very keen, and eager to produce their own versions.
17 July
A quiet day yesterday once the riot was over. I spent 24 hours in solitary writing out the opening statement for my defence when my case reaches court. So far its 20 pages long and I have only covered half the charges. The second lesson on making ice bombs. which I gave to Crusher and his mates. just before the riot, went really well with everyone taking a keen interest. It was nice to see the effort they had all put in to obtain the requisite bits and pieces. Between them the had acquired 20 empty plastic bottles, several linin bags and a promise from the guy who works in the library to provide access to the libraries CO2 fire extinguishers. I am thinking of having a word with one of the regular inmates who works in the garden area to see if he has one of those garden weed burners(flamethrowers) i can borrow as I have noticed a few pigeons residing on the roof of a storage shed just below my cell window. I have phoned the Missus who appears to be regretting her dalliance with Sven and kept sobbing and asking for forgiveness. i told her it was not a problem but to stop taking those bloody anti flush pills. All the guys who got injured or banged up because of the riot have now been returned to their cells so I should be able to arrange a practical demo of an ice bomb in the exercise yard for tomorrow. Must go now as crusher wants me to get him some ointment for his bum ( a hot potato burnt it).
19th july
Oh Deary me, Things are progressing at such a pace I am finding it difficult to keep up. Firstly I must warn Ray Heywood that Crusher is a tad miffed with him for spreading misinformation and malicious gossip about him and will be taking steps to deal with the problem once released . Secondly Crushers Mum visited yesterday and informed him that she had completed the witness intimidation project and that once the CPS received the written confirmation of the retraction of their statements he could expect to be released with in the next few day. Much to my surprise she then requested a short visit with myself. She thanked me for assisting her son in his business transactions and for helping to keep him out of trouble while in the slammer. Well then things started to get a bit scary!!!!. She kept winking at me and asked if there was anything she could do for me???? while crossing her legs and showing her stocking tops and leaning forward to give a good view of what appeared to be 2 bald headed blokes fighting down her cleavage. To give a quick idea of the impression she gave me I will just use the word "mutton"..I was a tad worried that when crusher is released I would become a target of potty's friends but crusher has assured me that he has instructed his good friend "slasher" to ensure my safety. The Govener has informed me that my remand hearing has been bought forward to next week as the authorities are concerned about the disruption they think I am creating in their establishment. I must end this missive now as I am expecting my breakfast to be delivered to my cell as I am no longer allowed within 20 yards of the food serving staff or the Chef.
21st July
I have been let out of solitary (again) even though I told them I liked being alone and found it very soothing. I then heard the news that Crusher is being released tomorrow once they have processed his release forms. It appears that all charges against him have been dropped due to all the witnesses for the prosecution either withdrawing their statements or disappearing. This evening there will be a small gathering in our cell to sort out the details for the continuation of his business interests in his absence.. I will still be handling distribution and Slasher will take over the role of finance manager and deal with any who default on payment. Crushers Mum will visit once a week to check for any accounting errors and advise on what action should be taken if said errors occur. I insisted that she visits with Slasher as I find her rather frightening. Slasher has assured me that I will not have any problems with other residents of this fine establishment, but in the event of anyone giving me funny looks or threatening glares to inform him and he will deal with it. Crusher asked me if I still intended to defend myself when my case came to court. I told him yes and he said he and his Mum would make sure to attend the hearing to give me moral support. The Missus has agreed to my terms for her return, so I am looking forward to some nice puddings with lots of custard when I return home. She has also agreed to stop taking those bloody "hot Flush" tablets and to take a cold shower if she starts feeling "peculiar",
26th July
I am really miffed, as I have just been told that I am being released tomorrow and that all charges have been withdrawn. It appears there are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly the main witness is suffering from memory loss after being knocked over by a car driven by a sweet little old lady !! ( I would not call Crushers Mum either sweet or little ). Also the CPS has reviewed my case and decided that, taking into consideration the situation with the main witness, my age, the amount of time I have already spent in the slammer, and the cost of what could be a prolonged trial, that it would not be in the public interest to pursue the case. I have phoned the missus and told her to ensure she has a good supply of Custard, lots of nice sponge puddings and a signed copy of the agreement not to molest me and to stop taking any tablets that have strange side effects.
2nd Aug
I have encountered a problem which stems from my purloining a pair of leather Knickers and a leather Bra from Julia Masons abode to see if I could adapt them for my slingshot project. It appears that the Missus was looking for something in my shed ( looks like the agreement to stop hassling me didn't last long, and I didn't get a pudding with custard yesterday ) when she came across the Garments. She instantly accused me of having an affair !!!! ( bloody hypocrite ,What about Sven and his dibber ???? ). In a moment of panic I made the mistake of saying the garments were mine and since then I have had to reinforce that statement by wearing the dam thigs. Well it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for that 3rd leg hole in the middle of the knickers through which my bits and bobs dangle in a most uncomfortable manner and cause quite a bit of chaffing. The Bra isn't so bad as I can use it to hide away stuff I want to sneak out past the missus, eg, apples, oranges etc.
The story Continues.
13th Sept
I have finally cracked !! after 3 months in retreat at Mount St Bernard Abbey, they decided it was safe to let me return to the real world although with strict warnings that my ASBO was still in force and I bound over to keep the peace and be of good behaviour for the next 2 years. While at the Abbey I found that those bloody Pigeons who are the original cause of my demise into crime had followed me and continued to make my life a misery by eating all the seeds I was trying to cultivate for the Monks vegetables. I had plenty of time to contemplate the error of my ways so, after much soul searching decided that all my previous weapons of Pigeon destruction could no longer be considered as Iv was forbidden by Law to possess flame throwers, catapults, ice bombs, crossbows, and various other implements of Pigeon doom. I have kept contact with my friend Crusher who came up with a brilliant idea for a weapon that I can legally own and even take out in public after a short test. This weapon has been converted to fire high velocity Paint Balls and Crusher said if I contribute to the cost we can share it between us. ( I never realised Crusher had a problem with Pigeons ). I had a test drive last week and found it very easy to control as it can go over obstructions so I wont have to steer very much. I will attach a picture of the device so you can work out what I am talking about. I am the one in the front
16th Sept
It appears that the guys from the car wash have disappeared and left a note saying they won't be back so Crusher and myself decided to occupy the site as its an ideal place to park the tank and anyone who objects will be subject to the artistic application of various coloured paints via paintballs. We are also looking into advertising for new staff and opening the car wash as a new venture. Anyone wishing to apply for a job please leave a message on here and I will get back to you. We are offering to pay just above minimum wage with our usual employee perks of cheap knockoff articles and the offer of personal insurance.
15th Sept
Well Crusher arrived this morning with our Tank on a transporter and we decided it needed a bit of a clean.(the tank, not the transporter) It appears that the previous owner has left it covered in mud and other unknown gunge so I suggested popping round to the local hand car wash to have it cleaned and polished. Well talk about customer service, I think the guys at the car wash need a lesson in customer care as they were very rude and refused to do the job. At this point Crusher got a wee bit techy and started to threaten them with repercussions if they did not reconsider their decision or improve their attitude. I was thinking of reporting them to trading standards as their sign states that small vehicles are £10 for a wash, large vehicles £14 and a full Valet service about £50. The sign says nothing about "excluding Tanks". Crusher said it would be quicker to try his method so we entered the tank turret and fired off a few paint balls at the stroppy car wash crew. To cut a long story short, we now have a nice clean tank both inside and out although the car wash guys are all an interesting mix of red, blue, yellow and pink colours. I am glad we didn't fire the main turret paint gun at them but used the smaller ones inset into the old machine gun positions. I mean, we wouldn't want to waste the larger ammo that is reserved for Pigeons.
18th Sept
In reply to all those lovely people who have enquired about various positions at the car wash. I must inform everyone that all position's are now filled. The team consists of Crusher (security), myself (general manager), My Missus ( God knows what as she appointed herself) Crushers Mum, (accounts and laundering ) and 8 East European car wash people consisting of 4 males and 4 females as we believe in Diversity and equal opportunity amongst our workforce. I will add a word of caution to
Julia Mason
about the risk involved in divulging the location of our business to the wider population and inform aforementioned lady that we are considering purchasing a few naval mines in case we have any problems with waterborne spies. Be aware that the waters of Leicester and Thurmaston marina's could become prime sites for the laying of mines.
